Kill it!

Once you've filled your unicorn with plenty of hot lead it's time to get down to some proper field dressing to ensure you'll be eatin' that unicorn all year long in your stews, roasts, hell, even minced into small pieces for garnishing your Corn Flakes! Unicorns, despite their awful attitudes, actually taste pretty dang good - provided you follow these simple guidelines for gutting your unicorn the RIGHT way!

No matter how many times you shot a unicorn, they're sure to stumble off into the bushes and make one last agony-filled run for the fabled gates of their pastel pink homelands. As long as you put enough holes in your unicorns heart and lungs (click here for a shootin' diagram), you've got nothing to worry about: your unicorn will die coughing up it's own blood not far from where you capped him. When you find a unicorn you've shot, don't get all excited and run over to touch. The first rule is that unicorns are tricky bitches and often fake death just to lure you within impaling range. To avoid this common and undesirable hunter's fate, pump a couple of rounds into your unicorn's torso (just don't hit the horn!). After a couple of safety shots, take a sharp stick and jab it into the unicorn's eyeball. If the unicorn doesn't move, congrats, you've killed him! If the unicorn still thrashed and makes nasty noises, shot, poke and repeat as many times as necessary.


OK, now we're ready to get down to business. Got yer sharp knife? Good! To begin, either hang your unicorn head up (hope you remember how to tie a noose!) or place him on the ground belly up with his head uphill on an incline. There's going to be blood, a lot of drippy stinky unicorn blood and you don't want that stuff puddling up around your boots. Cut through the center line of the belly from the unicorn's asshole to neck without cutting through any organs (see figure 1). It's not recommended that you save the unicorn's head for mounting purposes but we will discuss removal of the horn a little later.

100toober.gif Now's the fun part. Cut deeply around the asshole and remove it with the intestines (see figure 2). Too bad that unicorn isn't still alive! You can bet he'd feel that! Seperate the butt-section by splitting the pelvic bone with a knife or handy hand axe. Then cut the windpipe as far forward as possible. The remaining organs (inculding the magic Toober, a large spherical organ below the lungs that allows unicorns to do all that fancy fantasy shit they do) are now pulled out of the cavity (see figure 3). The liver, kidney, heart and toober can be placed in your pockets and saved to eat later. Use a stick to prop open the body for cooling and then transport your unicorn to your vehicle. Careful! Fish and Game wardens won't be thrilled if they see you dragging a unicorn home so conceal your kill as best you can (flat-bed camoflauge pick-ups work best). Don't drape your unicorn over the hood of your vehicle though - the heat from the motor will spoil the meat.


After you've smuggled your very dead unicorn (he ain't got his Toober no more does he!) home to your yard, hang the beast by the head or legs and make cuts up the inside of all the legs from the original center cut. Cut through the skin all the way around each leg near the hoof and peel the skin off the legs, pulling it down the body like, haha, like taking off a sock! The skin will peel off like, haha, a stiff banana peel! If necessary, use the knife to seperate the skin from the body, taking care not to cut through the hide.

About that horn

It's worth a lot. A lot, a lot. It's why you shot that mangy animal to begin with, though gamey stew for months and months is an additional bonus. Here's what you do: get a huge saw and go to town on that horn, cutting as close to the skull as possible. It's a tough job as the horn is protected by magic powers and stuff but you can do it! Drink a Red Bull! Once you horse the horn off, sell it somewhere shady. Like China.

Good luck using this field guide!